Bus

These Perhintion Islands are a magnet for young, predominately blonde, bronzed European beauties, so I was glad to be weightless underwater for a while with only the Puffer Fish to marvel at my waist belt.. and I'm not saying I'm a prawn-eating porker because even Kate Moss would feel a bit frumpy in this place. Diving here is very relaxed and relatively cheap but we decided to leave the disorganised Quiver Dive Team with their fading wetsuits and spend the next day snorkelling, swimming and sunning ourselves. Tough life huh! Practically clear as gin you can spot the little fishes in the shallow water even without a mask. It was certainly hard to tear ourselves away from such seclusion and paradise but we had four countries to visit in four weeks so we bid farewell to Gilbert the resident Ghecko and took the first boat taxi back to the mainland the next morning. Our next endeavour was to get to Thailand and we had no option but to get a car to the border - our first on-foot border crossing! Surprisingly enough it was very straightforward, no military men with guns searching through our bags and mistaking talcum powder for a suspicious substance then throwing us in jail... well, it happens in the movies! Anyway, a quick stamp here, another stamp there and we were through! Again we were suprised to find the tourist information office was, for once, full of information, and the friendly clerk sent us in the direction of the bus laden with useful leaflets. This border town is notorious for prostitutes and drugs but we didn't see any seediness, just lots of birds in cages - and by 'birds' I don't mean the colloquial word for women.

We were sticking to the East Coast, taking the VIP Bangkok bus to Chumphon and then onto the island of Ko Tao. There was no other bus option like the Indian style local cattle class, it seems big, a/c, lacy curtained cruisers like our one is the standard tourist travel. Ironically we were the only westerners on it, and we were certianly treated like VIPs - snacks upon boarding, superb Thai dinner and entertainment of a surreal Thai Gameshow; (Lots of instrument sounds at every movement, followed by canned laughter - in one scene an invisible, painted-face, sumo-type with pointy, scary teeth kept harrassing a guy who presumably couldn't see him, ultimately the guy couldn't sleep and ended up annoying his girlfriend. Hilarious... this would go down well in the England.)

Ten hours later, through a massive storm of terrential rain and thunder, we arrived at Chumphon, well, a crossroads near Chumphon to be precise. It was the middle of the night, in the middle of a large junction, with the only sign of life being a little Thai chap on a moped, who didn't speak English. (I knew you'd like a bit of horror to happen to us after all this fun and sun). So we were at the mercy of this moped boy, who called over his mate also on a moped and we wrote down our intended destination. If he'd have charged us 100Baht (200squid) we'd have been pretty much prepared to pay it but thankfully we agreed on a smaller fee and loaded up the bikes. Now if you can imagine, mopeds here are just the same as in the UK, they can carry one or two people, and a bag at the most, well, we also had to fit on our huge, rucksack which they tried to balance on the foot ledge below the handlebars... apparently turning was not necessary in these parts. Ahhh! I was less than happy with the situation but we had no time to waste, Andy plonked a helmut on my head and we were off.. we had a boat to catch! My moped taxi followed Andy's, thankfully, and I was soon laughing again when I caught sight of myself in the wing mirror with my ridiculous, mushroom-style 'safety' helmut, which was about as safe as a real giant mushroom. Hey ho, we arrived alive and just in time to get the 12 O'Clock Slow Boat.

The night boat takes a steady snail pace over to Ko Tao to deliver provisions and for 2pound we got to sleep onboard. Expecting to be the last on the very busy crossing we were infact bouncing around the sleeping chamber with just two French and one Thai. Bonus! Selecting a nice mattress and pillow we bedded down for the night, and as we got a few hours kip we were floating to a paradise island. What a way to travel!

The pier was a hive of activity at 6am with boats arriving and unloading their goods. Out of the three main islands in this area Ko Tao, or Kao To (Cow Toe) as Andy hilariously misprounces it, is the smallest, quietest and most laid-back. More importantly it is a mecca for diving, and we set off in search of the fishes!

As I guarded the bags and Andy collected our tickets to Calicut I saw an interesting sign in the station about concessions. If I was blind I could get a consession of 50%, or maybe if we pretended Andy was retarded or had non-infectous leprosy we would get 75% off! Only joking, we wouldn't do that... I'd have to end up carrying all the bags! Ha!

We still hadn't quite sussed out where to stand on the platform because as soon as the train pulled up we were always running to find our carriage.. and these trains are long; and the platforms are even longer, especially when you have 20kg on your back. It's times like these that I wonder whether that extra pot of moisturizer was really necessary.

Eventually we found First Class. Ok, Ok, so we're not slumming it with the locals in the 2nd tier but we have to think of Andy's long limbs! First Class is basically a booth where we can house our bags, stretch those long limbs and have a read. There is a little fan and a mirror but apart from that no extra frills, but it is the best way to get around this country. I did however see a little mouse dash under the seat as we waited for our stop. When I told Andy that Mickey had come to see him his feet shot skyward almost touching the roof - I never knew he was so flexible!

A family of four joined us for the ride and as usal gawped and smiled at us. The little girl was a gem in her floral dress, spangly bracelets, silve anklets and little gold, dangly earrings which matched her mother's but smaller. If we saw a 10year old girl in England with so much bling we'd cringe - but on this little one it was almost regal.

Getting off the train at Calicut was like rush hour at Oxford Circus. Only this time we were the annoying tourists getting in everyone's way. Luckily we got to the bus station just in time to grab a few samosa's and get on the bus for a 3hr trek up to Sultanbatheri. Judging by past experience of being bumped and jostled in the back of a bus we opted for the prime spots right behind the driver. There is never room to stretch out on these busy buses so I was squidged up to the window with a bag, then Andy squidged in with another bag, and then another chap joined the seat. Cosy.

Now, I have been on some scary-ass rollercoaster rides in my time, and I can honestly say I have loved them all... especially when you loose your stomach. But as soon as I finished my book and looked up I didn't realise this was a runaway bus ride! I don't see why we had to spend most of our time on the wrong side of the road, always overtaking. Were we part of a bus race or did the driver just need the toilet? The sharp, windy bends on the way up are enough to make Lewis Hamilton cautious. Why did we choose these front seats again? Thankfully buses seem to get priority here and you can all rest assured we got to our destination in one piece.. although a little bit greyer.

This Wildlife Park better be worth it!

Ironically the sign above the bus drivers head read:

HAPPY NEW YEAR - will be happier when all traffic rules are obeyed.

EXACTLY!!!!!!